October 22, 2011 by Meri
Ladies, here’s something to think about. Is this you? If so, you consider passing it on to your significant other. It’s like a decoder ring for guys
The TV was on one day during the Dr. Phil show and I was only half listening. But I heard him say to a male guest who was there with his wife, “Do you know the lie women tell most?”
I know where your mind is going, because I have to admit that my mind pin-balled right there. Ding-ding-ding! It had to be the Big O lie, told by millions of long-suffering women to their sexually inept partners. You know who I mean: the guys that think they’re total studs and always ask two minutes into the act, “Was it good for you too?” when their partners are barely getting started.
But no. It was something altogether different.
According to Dr. Phil McGraw, the most oft-told lie by women is when their man asks them what’s wrong and they say, “Nothing.”
“Nothing,” of course, is always uttered tersely. Dr. Phil said that “nothing” should be interpreted as women’s way of saying, “You’re what’s wrong and I don’t want to talk about it.” That might be true in some situations (that she doesn’t want to talk about it, I mean. . . not the “you’re what’s wrong” part). But in other situations, the woman might be miffed, but she wants the issue addressed, even if she doesn’t want to be the one making the overture.
It’s a big barrier to communication and problem solving when something is obviously making one partner seethe but no explanation is offered, even in response to questioning. So what’s going on?
One thing that occurs to me is that we women often think the “what’s wrong” is so patently obvious that we shouldn’t have to discuss it. We think the guy should just get it. While we may have a point, if he really doesn’t get it, the impasse can’t be resolved until he knows what it is we think he did wrong.
Another possibility is that we might enjoy the drama of saying “nothing” so our man can coax the information out of us. We may feel on some level that we have the upper hand when we can dispense information on our schedule as we see fit.
If you’re the male partner of a woman who gets the “Nothing” answer to your question, “What’s wrong?” maybe you’ve done such a poor job of listening to her concerns in the past that she’s past the point of wanting to discuss things with you. If that’s the case, your relationship has probably passed the point of no return.
Or she could just be in a diva mood and acting like a bitch.
Whatever the reason, the partner of a woman who won’t share her anger and pain is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he keeps pestering Ms. “Nothing” when she truly doesn’t want to talk about it, he’s in the wrong (in her opinion, at least). If she wants him to baby her until she tells him what’s wrong and he doesn’t keep trying to coax the issue out of her, he’s going to suffer.
Gentlemen, one way to play it is to take a different approach. If your woman is acting like she’s aggravated in a major way and you honestly haven’t committed any major relationship sins that you can think of, you might try an approach like this.
“You seem really upset (or annoyed — whatever word seems best to describe the symptoms). I don’t know if you’re ready to talk about what’s bothering you, but if there’s anything I can do to make things better, please let me know. I’m here for you.”
Then you might consider doing something you know would make her life easier, without her having to ask. Maybe you could unload the dishwasher or run the vacuum cleaner. Go to the store and pick up something easy for dinner. Find a way to amuse the kids so she can have some time to herself. These things might improve her mood without any discussion whatsoever of what set her bad mood in effect.
Keep in mind that when she’s ready, you have to make yourself completely available to her. Turn off the television and disconnect from any electronic devices — laptop, cell phone, game systems, or what have you. If you’re only half-hearted about really listening to her (and by listening, I mean paying attention to the words, her degree of emotion, and her body language), not only will the situation go from bad to worse, she’ll add it to her list of grievances against you.
Whatever you do, don’t take her answer “Nothing’s wrong,” at face value. If you don’t make an effort to acknowledge your partner’s distress and attend to her needs, you’ll end up paying.
And, by the way, if you have committed a major relationship sin — flirting with another woman in your woman’s presence, doing something you promised not to do, forgetting to do something you said you’d do, engaging in hostile or demeaning behavior toward her (or worse) — it’s time to put on the big boy pants and make amends. If you really know what’s bothering her and are just playing clueless, then you’re just adding fuel to the fire.
(courtesy-
